Everyone knows breakfast is the most important meal of the day, but all too often, people either skip it completely or choose to eat something unhealthy. Another thing everyone knows is that Scott Baio is the most awesome actor ever. Yes, even more awesome than Christopher Walken. If only there was a way to combine the magic of Scott Baio with the power of breakfast! Well America, there IS a way, and we call it Scott Bay-O’s, the only breakfast cereal officially endorsed by that guy who played Chachi on TV like thirty years ago.
Scott Bay-O’s are the delicious and nutritious way to start your morning. Each crunchy Bay-O is made of oats, wheat, corn, and rice, so you can eat as many as you want without worrying about your waistline. But don't get the wrong idea. Just because Bay-O’s are good for you doesn't mean they're bland and tasteless. That's because each Bay-O is ZAPPED with just a little bit of sugar. And that's not all, because mixed in with all the O’s are fun and tasty marshmallow pieces in the shapes of classic Scott Baio characters. There are red Chachis, blue Dr. Jack Stewarts, green Bob Loblaws, and rainbow-colored Charleses! If you get lucky, you might even find a Pete Bianco, the guy he played when he guest-starred on one episode of Full House!
When it’s time for breakfast, people can’t get enough of Scott Bay-O’s, but if you don’t want to take our word for it, perhaps you will listen to these actual statements from satisfied customers who were paid to say something nice about this cereal:
Scott Bay-O’s is the only cereal my children will eat. Because Scott Bay-O’s is the only cereal I will buy. Because it is the cheapest cereal in the store. Because I am having serious financial problems ever since I had to declare bankruptcy. Sometimes I’m afraid that the state is going to come and take my children away. But if they do that, they’d better leave my Scott Bay-O’s alone. It’s the cereal that stays crunchy, even in milk!”
Dinah S., Birmingham, AL
I thought I'd read that Scott Baio got the death penalty after he was in ““Baby Geniuses 2: SuperBabies”, but I guess not. Just goes to show yet again that the justice system in this country is completely flawed! But what ISN‘T completely flawed is the big taste of Scott Bay-O’s! Yum! Scott Bay-O’s make EVERY day a Happy Day!”
Gary J., Bismark, ND
Me Joanie! Not love breakfast cereal. Usually want oatmeal. Not have oatmeal last week. Have to eat Scott Bay-O’s instead. So good! Now Joanie want to eat them all the time! Joanie loves Bay-O’s!”
Joanie A., Richmond Home For The Mentally Challenged, Richmond, VA
Come on, people! What are you waiting for? Without a big heaping bowl of Scott Bay-O’’s, you’re only going to get hungrier. And for a limited time only, each box of Scott Bay-O’s will be personally autographed by Scott Baio, because really, what else does he have to do these days? Aside from approving the new Honey Nut Scott Bay-O’s, not much. Get to your local supermarket and barge into the cereal aisle as fast as you can, knocking people over if you have to. You want Scott Bay-O’s for breakfast, dang it, and you will not be denied!
Scott Bay-O’s - From the makers of Fresh Prince Of Raisin Bran, Cinnamon Toast Urkel’s, and ALF-A Bits
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Because It’s Not Like You’re Going To Throw Anything Away
Is your closet too cluttered? Are your filing cabinets too full? Are those stacks of old newspapers dating back to 1957 getting ready to collapse? We know how frustrating it is to run out of room and we’re here to help. We’re Under Construction Storage, the best place in town to store your stuff, or at least we will be once we’re done building.
Under Construction Storage strives to be America’s storage leader with over 1,500 locations nationwide, but we’re still working on finishing up the first one. We’re getting pretty close. If you drive by the lot, you can see that the frame is up and the foundation has been poured. There have been some problems with the contractor, although that should be worked out sooner or later. As soon as we’re open, though, you’re definitely going to want to make us your first choice for storing your valuable possessions.
At Under Construction Storage, our self-storage units range in size from approximately 25 square feet to nearly 300 square feet, according to the blueprints I’m looking at right now. We’ll even have special climate-controlled units to help protect your most sensitive belongings. But probably not right at first. The parts for the climate-controlled units come from overseas and they’ve been tied up in customs for the better part of a month. For a while, we were planning on providing computerized gates that would only allow access to authorized people, but the construction delays have caused our costs to spiral out of control. Still, we meant to do it, which is more than you can say for some other storage companies, including some that are currently open for business.
The fact is, you’ve got a lot of stuff and nowhere to put it. Why not put it at Under Construction Storage? Because we’re still under construction, you say? Well, yeah. That is a pretty good point. But it’s really the only negative. Why not look at all the positives? Great prices. Excellent customer service. Clean, well-lighted facilities. All those things could potentially await you at Under Construction Storage at our soon-to-be-completed site, two miles down the unpaved road, between the abandoned warehouse and the vacant lot. Preorder today, so you can be sure to have a unit reserved once we have our Grand Opening, sometime between October 2006 and January 2009!
Under Construction Storage -
We Have Everything You Need To Store Everything You’ve Got, Eventually
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The Next Logical Step
Since 1973, your family has counted on CalcuCo-brand Gas-Powered Pocket Calculators. If you’re on the go, and you need to add or subtract or find the square root of a number that is eight digits or smaller, our Gas-Powered Pocket Calculators are there for you every time. And that’s never going to change. But in this era of skyrocketing gasoline prices and environmental concerns, consumers are becoming increasingly reluctant to buy a Gas-Powered Pocket Calculator, even though our calculators are guaranteed to get at least 35 calculations to the gallon. So we went back to the drawing board to try and come up with a cleaner, more efficient power source for our pocket calculators. At first, it was not easy. We considered using the power of wind or perhaps even a small crank, but these ridiculous ideas did not even make it off the drawing board. But at CalcuCo, we never give up, and that’s how we eventually came up with the answer.
Introducing the next generation! The CalcuCo-brand Nuclear-Powered Pocket Calculator! At last, a calculator that will help you figure out the tip in a restaurant without the pungent hassle of smelly exhaust fumes and the noisy roar of an internal combustion engine. Our Nuclear-Powered Calculators burn clean and calculate fast! And the best part is, no more annoying trips to the gas station, because each one of our calculators runs off of uranium, and that stuff lasts for years! (We are legally obligated to point out that the plutonium used to power the calculator is highly radioactive and by putting it in your pocket, it might cause birth defects in your unborn children. But the word to remember in all that is “MIGHT”) Plus, our Iranian calculator scientists have been able to reduce the number of cooling towers attached to the calculator from four to two. Can you even imagine? A pocket calculator with only two cooling towers? It’s like something out of the Jetsons!
Even though we’re changing the way our pocket calculators are powered, you can bet we’re not going to change the way that work. Will you still be able to multiply and figure out percentages? Of course! Will our calculator still feature buttons like +/-, CE, and that MRC button nobody ever needs? Without a doubt! Can it figure out the cosine? Nope! It’s a pocket calculator, not a scientific calculator. We’ve only got 16 buttons to work with here. Is there any threat of a meltdown? Sure! When you’re working with something as volatile as nuclear power, there is ALWAYS a threat of a meltdown. But it’s not LIKELY. Nevertheless, you probably don’t want to let the kids play with it.
The fact is, nobody knows how to do math on paper anymore, so you need a pocket calculator. And as long as you’re getting a pocket calculator, it might as well be nuclear, until somebody comes up with a better idea. Which they won’t. And as long as you’re getting a Nuclear-Powered Pocket Calculator, it should really come from CalcuCo. Because at CalcuCo, pocket calculators plus nuclear fission equals arithmetic fun!
Nuclear-Powered Pocket Calculators - Only $155,000 Each! Available At Staples, Office Depot And The Black Market
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My Fellow Americans
You try hard to be patriotic. You support the war effort. You have an American Flag bumper sticker on your SUV. The only thing you eat is hot dogs and apple pie. And when you meet somebody from another country, you sock them in the neck as hard as you can. Yes, it’s hard to spend every waking moment sticking up for the good ol’ U.S.A., but you’re doing your part. But what about your pets? A study shows that almost 85% of American pets do not consider themselves to be pro-America. This is unacceptable, especially in these troubled times when we as Americans can trust no one. You don’t want to turn your beloved family pets over to the government, but if you can’t trust them, what other choice do you have? How do you make a domesticated animal prove its national loyalty? Should you send it to Iraq? There’s got to be a better way!
That’s where I come in. My name is Peter Smith, but you can call me Patriotic Pete, and just in time for Memorial Day, I’m offering a very special service that will transform your pets from possible traitors to productive members of the Union. What is this incredible procedure? I’ll answer you by asking a question: What is the most patriotic animal of all? Exactly. The bald eagle. So logic would dictate that if your animal was bald, it would love America. I, Patriotic Pete, will make your pets bald.
It doesn’t matter what kind of animal you have. A kitty or a doggy or a llama or a bunny rabbit. As long as it has hair on the top of its head, I can make it patriotic. Here’s how it works:
1) Send me a picture of your potentially un-American pet and a money order or cash (Sorry, no credit cards)
2) I hunt your animal down and shoot it with a tranquilizer gun. Sometimes the tranquilizer gun stops the animal’s heart, but a lot of times it doesn’t
3) I apply a generous coating of lather to the animal’s furry little head
4) Straight razor
5) God bless America!
It’s incredibly simple and painless, as least for me. And then you can rest easy, knowing that you have done the right thing as an American citizen. When your animal is bald like the eagle, your animal does not need amnesty, because it obviously belongs here. But wait, you say! I have a turtle or a fish or one of those hairless Mr. Bigglesworth-type cats. How can you make THEM bald when they don’t have any hair to begin with? Don’t worry. I’ve already figured that out. White spray paint.
So what are you waiting for? The time is near when the government is going to have to round up all disloyal people and animals and plants and march them right into the ocean at gunpoint. Do you want that to happen to Rover or Fluffy or Quackers the duck? Of course not. Because your pets love freedom. Make them prove it by calling me, Patriotic Pete, and I will shave them bald. And the home of the brave! (Disclaimer: Patriotic Pete refuses to work on German Shepards, Irish Setters, Wireless Cows, bears from Iran, or space crocodiles. Se habla espanol!)
Patriotic Pete - Shaving Animals Bald Since I Got This Idea Last Thursday
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More Is More
Everyone knows that Hershey's makes the world's greatest candy bars, but what most people don't know is that we're always striving to make candy bars that are even BETTER. The best is not good enough for Hershey's, and that is why we're so excited about the latest candy bar masterpiece to roll off our assembly lines. It's the amazing Take 15 bar! Hershey's Take 15 provides a unique taste experience by combining fifteen of your favorite ingredients in one candy bar. The result is a snack unlike anything you've ever experienced.
Each Take 15 bar starts with rich milk chocolate, creamy caramel, roasted peanuts, crunchy pretzels, and smooth peanut butter. But that's only the beginning. Next, we add English toffee, crispy wafers, shredded coconut, zesty mint, and ground-up Kit-Kat bars. For a lot of candy companies, that would be enough. They'd package that sucker up and send it to stores, content to offer their customers a less than perfect snack treat. But not Hershey's. We take those ten ingredients, throw them in a big metal vat, and throw in five more delicious flavors. What else could you possibly put into that candy bar, you may be asking? How about chunky fudge. A handful of black licorice. Whatever that stuff is inside Cadbury Crème Eggs. Six or seven pieces of chewy sour apple bubble gum. And then we top it off with a generous helping of light and fluffy nougat. Now THAT is a candy bar. The kind of candy bar that will make your taste buds go, "What the hell"?!?, but in a good way! Yes, when you buy a Take 15 bar, you're buying four-and-a-quarter pounds of goodness. It's the candy bar that eats like a meal!
Some low-level Hershey employees have questioned the logic behind Take 15, saying that it's highly unlikely that one person is going to like every one of the fifteen items we've crammed into the bulging candy wrapper. But that is a silly argument. Let's say, for example, you like the chocolate, the caramel and the gum, but you despise the peanut butter, the mint, the black licorice and the fudge. Just reach in the candy bar and remove what you don't want to eat. It's that simple! It's like removing the lettuce off of a double cheeseburger, except it's candy and way messier. (And don't worry. The employees that questioned us no longer work for Hershey's)
So put down every other candy bar you've ever eaten and reach for a tasty new Take 15, which is kind of like every other candy bar in the world smooshed together and kind of melted. You're going to love it so much, if you were a shoplifter, you'd probably Take 15! Ha-ha-ha!
Take 15 - Coming This Fall From Hershey's: The Take 18 Bar; Just Like The Take 15, But With White Chocolate, Coffee Grounds and Mustard!
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How Lovely Are Your Branches
Every year, there is Christmas, and every year, Farson Bros. Tree Farm is the place to go for the finest Christmas trees for you and your family. It brings us great joy to provide our customers with fresh-cut Christmas trees each December, even though this last holiday season, most everyone went to the new Christmas Tree Supercenter down the street and we had our lowest sales in thirty years. Sure, it was a bit of a shock to get to the end of the season and still have almost fourteen acres of trees still cluttering our farm, but we can't let ourselves get down because some soulless corporate mega-store came swooping into town and stole all our business. Mostly because we've still got to get rid of FOURTEEN FRIGGIN' ACRES OF TREES!!
Fortunately, the second-biggest tree-selling holiday of the year is right around the corner, and the Christmas Tree Supercenter doesn't open back up until Autumn. That's right, it's almost May 16th Day, the day when people celebrate the magic of May 16th by buying May 16th Trees from a place like Farson Bros. Tree Farm! Everyone loves May 16th Day, and because it's not a religious holiday, all people can buy a May 16th Tree, whether you be Christian or Jewish, Hindu or Mexican! May 16th doesn't give a damn, and neither do we! We just need to move some trees.
The great thing about coming to Farson Bros. Tree Farm is that we make it fun for the whole family, and our May 16th Day Celebration is no exception. We got pony rides featuring lots of ponies with "May 16th" spray-painted on them, delicious treats like May 16th-burgers and May 16th Cream Cones, and an old-time hayride featuring music from Pappy Farson, playing his banjo and singing great May 16th carols like, "May 16th In A Manger" and "Frosty the May 16th Man". And every evening at 5:16 sharp, eight tiny reindeer appear dragging a sleigh behind them, and in that sleigh, jolly old May 16th Claus! The kids will laugh and cheer and beg you to let them sit in May 16th Claus' lap, but we suggest you don't let them, because May 16th Claus is a registered sex offender. Still, as long as he stays fifty yards away from the children at all times, a good time will be had by all! And don't forget the trees. Our May 16th Trees come in all shapes and sizes... mostly the size is "big", as if the trees have been growing for five months longer than they should have. Not that we are bitter. We consider ourselves lucky to have fourteen acres of trees just sitting around in the middle of May!
May 16th is a holiday that has brought people together for generations, and it's certainly not something we made up just last week when we were trying to come up with a way to get rid of these friggin' trees. And nothing brings people together like gathering around the May 16th Tree and opening presents from the May 16th Fairy or Bunny. And the only place in town to get your very own May 16th Tree is Farson Bros. Tree Farm. You know where we are. It's the place you used to buy your Christmas trees until you abandoned us last year, you traitors! Ha-ha-ha! Just kidding! A Merry May 16th to all and to all a good night!
Farson Bros. Tree Farm - Open Every Day From April 30th until June 12th
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The Moose Is Loose
Hello. My name is Randy Farmer and along with my brother Andy, we are the owners of Farmer Farms, an industry leader in milk production and distribution. We recently inherited Farmer Farms from our father, who was tragically killed in a barn fire. After the funeral, Andy and I were determined to get back to work, selling the best milk in the country, in honor of our dad. But there was a problem. All the cows died in the barn fire too. We didn't have the money to buy another herd or even a high-tech Wireless Cow. So we went for a drive on a winding country road to try and figure out what to do next. Several miles into that drive, we hit a moose. And when we got out and saw that the moose was still alive, we realized we'd found our answer.
Farmer Farms presents the next generation in refreshment: Moose Juice! That's right, delicious nutritious Moose Juice! You probably had no idea you could get juice from a moose, but the bigger surprise is how tasty it is. Andy and I took that moose home, patched him up, and noticed that he had nipples, just like a cow! "Maybe we could get some milk out of THOSE", Andy said. "Not milk," I said. "Juice!" Some people think we hit our heads pretty hard when we ran into the moose, but those people are just haters. They're jealous that they didn't come up with the idea of Moose Juice first. Don't be jealous, folks. Just drink an ice-cold glass of Moose Juice and be happy that SOMEBODY thought of it. And drink as much as you want, because our moose produces plenty of juice.
Farmer Farms Moose Juice isn't just yummy, it's good for you too! Moose Juice contains vitamins and minerals and only 2% MooseFat by volume. It's also available in chocolate, which means that the kids will love it too! "More Chocolate Moose Juice, please!" they will say, with a cute little Moose Juice mustache on their upper lip. It's so cute, you're going to want to take a picture. And when Christmas time rolls around, don't forget to leave out some cookies and Moose Juice for Santa! He'll be so stoked, he'll probably leave a little something extra under the tree!
So come on, everyone! Be the first on your block to try new Farmer Farms Moose Juice. If you buy enough, we might be able to buy a second moose. Or maybe a goose. But until that day, keep our little jingle in mind:
"Get off your caboose! There's no excuse!
Go get the juice, that comes from a moose!"
Farmer Farms Moose Juice - Moooooooooooose!
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Oh Wow Brown Cow!
The cow. One of nature's most versatile creatures. Cows can be used for meat and milk and leather furniture. But in the last thousand years or so, very little cow progress has been made. The Cow of Today is almost identical to the Cow of Yesteryear and in this age of technology, such a lack of improvement is unacceptable. It's the 21st Century, dag-gum-it! Your cow should not be stuck in the caveman times! And that is why, for the last fifteen years, the federal government, in association with this nation's top scientists and farmers, has been developing the next generation of Cow. At long last, this next-gen cow is about to be made available to the public.
Ladies and gentleman, please rise and say hello to The Wireless Cow. It's the Cow of the Future and once you've experienced it, you'll wonder how you ever lived without it. First and foremost, the Wireless Cow doesn't have to be plugged in. Let me say that again, because you probably think what I just said is a typo. The Wireless Cow DOESN'T HAVE TO BE PLUGGED IN! Now you can do all your milking on the go, in a way that compliments your busy lifestyle. And don't think that "wireless" means "slow". The Wireless Cow works just as fast as a regular cow, sometimes even faster. That's because the Wireless Cow is powered by satellites that were exclusively designed to handle this new Wi-Cow technology. This means fewer dropped "Moo's", guaranteed! But that's not all! The Wireless Cow comes equipped with hooves, an MP3 player, and text messaging capabilities. Cow Science Fiction is now Cow Reality!
Security is an unavoidable issue these days as hackers and unsavory persons are working around the clock to get a hold of your personal information and also tip over your cow. But with the Wireless Cow, you can rest easy knowing that we've installed the most advanced security features right into the cow's DNA. Every Wireless Cow is outfitted with an assault rifle, a 75,000-volt cattle prod and a direct link to our 24-hour Wireless Cow monitoring center. If those smart-aleck kids from across the street get anywhere near your Wireless Cow, THEY WILL REGRET IT. But if they treat the Wireless Cow with respect, it might just let them play classic video games on its touch-screen hide. Also, every single Wireless Cow is born with OnStar. Standard. You don't even need to ask. It's already there.
Why be the last dope in Lameville when you can be President of Awesomeburg? Get a Wireless Cow today and start experiencing a world you've never even imagined. Once you've cowed wireless, you'll never want to cow any other way. (Important Legal Note: Please do not attempt to mate your Wireless Cow with your Wireless Bull. It does not make cute little Wireless Calves. It just damages the internal software)
The Wireless Cow - The Cow That Proves Once Again That Science Rules!
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"Oh Wow! It's Just What I Wanted!"
These days, it's hard to find that one special present for that one special person. Shopping for the perfect gift has become such a hassle that you might think it would be easier just to take your own life. Well, take that revolver out of your mouth and head on down to the Gift Certificate Warehouse, the world's first store that only sells gift certificates!
When you walk into the Gift Certificate Warehouse, the first thing you'll notice is that our store is huge! G.C.W. is over 35,000 square feet, and every last square foot is full of gift certificates. We don't waste space with flat screen TV's, lingerie or monkey food. No, all we offer is wall-to-wall floor-to-ceiling gift certificates. We sell gift certificates for thousands of big-name retailers, including but not limited to: Best Buy - Starbucks - Bed, Bath and Beyond - Target - PetStupid - Barnes and Noble - Kevin's House O' Porn - Amazon.com - The Cadaver Barn - Uncle Ray's Donut Shoppe - That Place On The Corner That Sells Booze To Kids - Home Depot - The Louvre - Ice Cream Man - Gift Certificate Warehouse - Pit Bulls N' Grandma Clothes R' Us - and many, many more!
G.C.W. is versatile too. Let's say you don't WANT a gift certificate. That's cool. The Gift Certificate Warehouse also offers gift cards, store vouchers and American dollars that you can only spend at certain places. And don't start whining to us about how gift certificates are completely impersonal and lazy. Rubbish, we say! That's because at G.C.W., we personalize! For example, let's say you have a friend named Keith and you decide you want to get Keith a gift certificate. When you purchase this gift certificate, (preferably from the Gift Certificate Warehouse! LOL!) just tell the friendly clerk that the gift certificate is for someone named Keith. The friendly clerk will then write the name "Keith" right on the gift certificate so that Keith knows you bought this gift certificate especially for him! And this service is free of charge, except for a small Personalization Fee!
There's no reason to waste all your free time driving from store to store looking for presents when you can waste your time at ONE store and get it over with. Gift Certificate Warehouse- why didn't somebody think of this before? Probably because you have to be exceptionally high to come up with something like this.
Gift Certificate Warehouse - We've Got So Many Gift Certificates, You Might Get A Paper-Cut! (Gift Certificate Warehouse is not liable for paper-cuts suffered by our customers)
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The Dog Says "Bark"
People hate to hang around people who are smarter than they are. When someone is smarter than you, you feel dumb, and there ain't nothing worse than feelin' dumb. If you suddenly discover that the people you associate with are smarter than you, it's pretty easy to stop hanging out with them. You just grab your crotch, then point at them and go, "Hey, suck THIS, Einstein!" But what do you do when you get home and find that your loyal pets are ALSO smarter than you are? That's where PetStupid comes in.
PetStupid is a new kind of pet store. We're the kind of pet store than doesn't insult your intelligence by assuming you have any. Our store is laid out so that even the most ignorant doofus can walk in, find what they are looking for, then walk back out. At which point our helpful staff will run out and remind the ignorant doofus that they forgot to pay. And the best part about PetStupid, and our number one source of pride, is that we only sell the dumbest possible animals. You know those dogs that can sniff out drugs or apprehend dangerous criminals, making you feel dense and worthless by comparison? You don't have to worry about accidentally purchasing a dog like that from PetStupid. More likely, the dog you buy from us will spend most of its time walking headfirst into walls.
Every PetStupid animal goes through our rigorous "Brain-Smarts" test and if it passes, we send it right back. Every single time. This means that any and every creature at our store is dumb as a rock, therefore making you, the owner, feel superior in every way. "I may not be able to keep a job at Burger King for more than a week", you will say. "But at least I don't spend all day staring at my tail!"
We carry a wide selection of great pets at PetStupid, and each one is easily identifiable because we put a big colorful picture of the animal on a sign right next to it. For instance, if you want a kitty, you don't have to get a pounding brain headache trying to find the word "cat" written somewhere. Just look for the picture of the kitty, and that's where the kitty will be! That's just a small example of the kind of slow-witted service we provide at PetStupid, and now here is an example of some of the great moderately retarded animals we are offering for sale this week:
**Doggy - Our doggies like to bark at tree stumps and try to eat the rat poison, even though the dog food is six inches away
**Kitty - PetStupid kitties enjoy rubbing against lit candles. They also believe every inch of your house is a bathroom, except for the litter box
**Fishy - When you buy a fishy at PetStupid, it will spend most of its time trying to leap out of the fishbowl and onto your carpet. Also, if it sees a kitty, it will desperately try to get the kitty's attention, because fishy loves to say "hello"
**Bunny Rabbit - All of our bunny rabbits like to jump on the stove and sit in empty pans. Many of them will marinate themselves in teriyaki sauce. They will also spend long period of time just sitting completely still in the middle of the room, then leaping ten feet in the air for no apparent reason
**Birdy - Birdy likes to take a bath by dancing around the water dish and splashing water everywhere except for his body. Birdy also enjoys shrieking at the top of its lungs from midnight to 7:00am
**Panther - (Due to customer complaints, PetStupid regrets to announce that we have discontinued selling panthers. No matter how hard we tried, we couldn't find a panther that was dumber than a family that would buy a panther)
That's only a small sampling of what we have to offer, but you get the idea. Come on down and finally get that dumb little pet you've been meaning to get for your two-year old that will get bored with it in three days and then accidentally crush to death. We don't sell dolphins or gorillas or Lassie-type dogs. We just sell idiots to idiots, and we do it better than anyone!
It's a common complaint. Knives will kill a mugger, but they aren't very tasty. Donuts are delicious, but not deadly. If only there was a way to combine the unbeatable flavor of a fresh donut with a razor-sharp serrated knife. Why, such a product would both protect and feed the ones you love. Well, we've got some good news, and it's only available at Uncle Ray's Donut Shoppe.
Yes, Uncle Ray's Donut Shoppe is proud to introduce the Self-Defense Donut, which combines the latest in carbon steel knife technology with the light and fluffy cake donuts you've come to expect from Uncle Ray. Now, you might be saying, "All I want is a rainbow sprinkle donut and some coffee. Why do I need a donut with a knife in it?" The answer is simple. We live in troubled and dangerous times. People want to destroy you and your family. No matter where you are, somebody, anybody, could be waiting right around the corner looking to take away everything you hold dear. Are you going to just stand there and let them? Now that Uncle Ray offers a Self-Defense Donut, you don't have to. And we make them fresh every morning. Mmm-mmm! Self-Defense Donuts come in a wide variety of flavors, so no matter what your taste buds crave that day, chances are we've got a donut with a knife in it with your name on it. We even have lemon-filled Self-Defense Donuts! Those are the ones that are filled with lemon and also a giant bowie knife.
Do you want to know the best thing about Uncle Ray's Self-Defense Donuts? To the criminal, they just look like a regular donut. That's because all of our Self-Defense Donuts have retractable blades. That's right! You don't even see the knife until you decide it's time to unleash it on the world. In fact, you don't have to unleash it at all. If all is well and evil decides not to screw with you that morning, you can just eat the donut and throw the knife in the trash. But if some creep in a ski mask decides to try and steal your wallet, there's a nine-and-a-half inch blade buried beneath the glaze and the powered sugar. Mister Crook will never see it coming. HACK-HACK-HACK! STAB! STAB! STAB! But also YUM-YUM-YUM, because Uncle Ray makes a damn good donut.
There's not a single downside to heading over to Uncle Ray's Donut Shoppe and getting a box of Self-Defense Donuts. You simply can't go wrong adding the Self Defense Donut to your arsenal and/or your breakfast. Life is too precious to eat a donut without a huge pointy knife hidden in it.
A donut that melts in your mouth. A knife that can easily cut through heavy brush and bone. Why didn't anybody think of this before?! Ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha! Hack-hack-hack!
Uncle Ray's Donut Shoppe - Self-Defense Donuts Only $3.99 A Baker's Dozen
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Se Habla Breakfast!
You know, for nearly a century, we've been producing delicious bottles of Mrs. Butterworth's pancake syrup. Our product is an American icon that comes in one of the most distinctive packages on the market. It's the syrup that's shaped like a lady! But we hired some Diversity Consultant, and he told us that Mrs. Butterworth's, although rich and tasty, doesn't do enough to attract certain segments of the population. He claimed that we needed to offer a version of our syrup that would be appealing to the Hispanic community, and that if we didn't, somebody might file a class action lawsuit claiming that we are racist. The Diversity Consultant scared the bejeezus out of us, and that's why we're proud to present our new and improved culturally diverse syrup, Senorita Buttersworth.
Senorita Buttersworth takes the classic syrup you've come to know and love and adds a little Hispanic flair. For instance, Senorita Buttersworth wears a big ol' sombrero. That's pretty Hispanic, isn't it? Also, we added ground up jalapenos to the syrup. It's HOT HOT HOT! It's the kind of product that makes you think, "Boy, this sure would be tasty on my pancakes" and "I am not at all interested in suing the Mrs. Buttersworth's company", sometimes at the same time! Senorita Buttersworth also comes with a convenient spill-proof pour spout, and when you squeeze her, the music to the Mexican Hat Dance plays. That part was the Diversity Consultant's idea. He said just putting Mrs. Buttersworth in a sombrero and adding hot peppers wasn't enough. He said we must go even further and strive to be politically correct. To be honest, we kind of think Senorita Buttersworth is the opposite of politically correct, but perhaps that is why we are not a Diversity Consultant.
In blind taste tests, consumers of all races seem to hate Senorita Buttersworth. If they are not offended by the sombrero, they are turned off by the spicy flavor. They insist that syrup should not be HOT HOT HOT and that it doesn't really go with pancakes. The Diversity Consultant begs to differ. "Then tell them to put it on their burritos!" he shouts, banging his fist on the desk. Then he said a perfect slogan for Senorita Buttersworth would be "Illegally Crossing the Border Every Morning To Get To Your Breakfast Table". A few minutes later, we fired the Diversity Consultant, and as soon as we sell all the bottles we produced, we will be pulling Senorita Buttersworth right off the market. That's muy bueno!
Senorita Buttersworth - The Syrup In The Sombrero That Has Its Green Card
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A Personal Message From A Famous Celebrity
I Frankenstein. Me own home. Have Bride. Me worry about home. Me work hard to pay for home. Sometimes work two jobs. Keep home safe. What number one danger? Fire! Fire bad! Fire... BAD!! How Frankenstein stop fire? Frankenstein use McGill Brand Fire Extinguishers! Only McGill Brand Fire Extinguishers good enough for Frankenstein. Easy to use! Frankenstein not smart. Other fire extinguishers too complex for Frankenstein. McGill Brand Fire Extinguishers simple. Work every time! Put out fire! Frankenstein hate fire! Fire bad! Fire... BAD!! Not believe Frankenstein? Ask friend. Wilford Brimley.
"Thanks Frankenstein. You know, every so often, a package comes to my door. I like to think of it as my lifeline. It contains a McGill Brand Fire Extinguisher. Now, a lot of people don't know I'm a diabetic and my insulin is highly flammable. Before Frankenstein introduced McGill Brand Fire Extinguishers into my life, the spot fires from my diabetes medication were raging out of control. I'd lose an acre or two every time I checked my blood sugar, and I check it often. But now, thanks to reliable McGill Brand Fire Extinguishers, I don't have to worry 'bout nothin' except for Frankenstein going on one of his occasional murderous rampages. Ha-ha-ha! Just kiddin', Frankenstein, ol' buddy!"
Your joke funny, Wilford Brimley. Make Frankenstein laugh. Look, why you buy other fire extinguisher? McGill Brand Fire Extinguisher is best. Save Frankenstein from fire. Maybe villagers try kill you with torch and pitchfork. McGill Brand Fire Extinguisher put out torch fire. You are on own with pitchfork, though. Also, McGill Brand Fire Extinguisher long last. Put out six or seven torches before runs out. That is lot less fire. Fire bad! Fire... BAD!! (Frankenstein goes on rampage. Wilford Brimley checks blood sugar)
McGill Brand Fire Extinguishers - Good For Putting Out Fires (Frankenstein and Wilford Brimley are compensated endorsers)
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As Natural As Milk And Cookies
In a scientific poll conducted by Professors of Science, it was proven that America's two favorite foods are ketchup and spinach. This fact was proven by science! When we read about this study, we got to thinking... Wouldn't it be great if there was a way to combine these two great foods into one delicious jar? After almost an hour of hard work, we were finally able to make America's dream come true! Yes, it's Ketchup N' Spinach, the taste sensation that's sweeping the nation!
Here's how we do it: We take the highest-quality spinach, rinse it under the tap, and tear it into tiny pieces. Then we add just the right amount of ketchup. The ratio of ketchup to spinach is critical, and we take it very seriously. You don't want to add too much ketchup... that would be gross! Then we take the mixture and toss it in the blender for a few seconds, because the pieces of spinach are still too big. Once it has been properly blended, we pour it in an old salsa jar, screw on the lid and SHAZAM, it's another delicious helping of Ketchup N' Spinach!
According to our test group, the main thing stopping them from enjoying the scrumptious combination of ketchup and spinach was the inconvenience. Going to the store, buying the ketchup, going to the garden, harvesting the spinach, mixing them up... it was all such a hassle. But now, thanks to Ketchup N' Spinach, it's as easy as opening the jar, grabbing a spoon, and going to town! Your taste buds will be doing backflips. And because Ketchup N' Spinach is stored at room temperature, you don't have to own a refrigerator to enjoy the incredible flavor!
Run, don't walk to the supermarket to purchase every last jar of Ketchup N' Spinach. You and your family will wonder how you ever lived without Ketchup N' Spinach and its sister product, Mustard N' Brussels Spouts. We've been mixing condiments n' vegetables since 2006, and our customers reap all the benefits!
Ketchup N' Spinach - Together At Last!
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Coming This February To A Theater Near You
In a world where the rate of change in one quantity is relative to the rate of change in another quantity, two brothers are about to discover that there is more to linear distance than meets the eye. In the tradition of "Pride and Prejudice", "Memoirs of a Geisha", and "The Cat In The Hat", comes yet another Hollywood blockbuster film made for people who are too lazy to read the book it is based on. This February, Neil Patrick Harris and The O.C.'s Adam Brody star in. "Calculus: The Movie".
Harris and Brody play the Calculus brothers, Differential and Integrated, who both work as private investigators in Miami. When busty supermodel Fundamental Theorem (Lindsay Lohan) walks into their office one hot summer afternoon, they have no idea that action is just around the corner. They're soon in the midst of a baffling mystery as they try and figure out how to calculate the speed of an object by dividing "distance" by "time". Also, there is a murder. Integrated soon finds himself embarking on a dangerous affair with the Theorem while Differential gets caught up in a deadly game of cat and mouse with local drug-lord Jim Derivative, and his slimy sidekick, Victor Vector.
The excitement soon reaches a fever pitch as the Calculus brothers discover that "force" equals "mass" times "acceleration". They discover this at a strip club, by the way. Also, Will Ferrell provides comic relief as Police Chief Slope Of A Line. You will be blown away by the excitement and the state-of-the-art CGI effects, while at the same time learning a valuable lesson about a central branch of mathematics. Here is what the nation's top critics are saying about "Calculus: The Movie".
"The acting is nothing special and the story is run-of-the-mill, except for the awkward way they keep cramming calculus stuff into it. The thing is, they claim to be trying to put an accurate representation of calculus on film, but I've read a couple of calculus books in my day, and there's not quite so much cursing. Still, it's always nice to see Doogie Howser on the big screen."
Howard Marx, Cincinnati Times
"As bad as "Calculus" is, it might actually be the first movie ever that's more entertaining than the book. Sure, the theories and equations are all wrong, but the fart jokes more than make up for it. Like, there's this one scene where Differential Calculus drinks some punch, but it turns out it's actually laxative punch. Ha-ha-ha! And then he sits on the toilet! Ha-ha-ha! Toliet!"
Marcel Franklin, Seattle News-Gazette
"My friends and I have already seen "Calculus" like ten times. It's so awesome. We can't wait for the Unrated version to come out on DVD. "King Kong" can suck it. It's all about "Calculus", baby!"
Tyler Daniels, student, El Paso High School
Look, calculus is boring and hard to understand. "Calculus" is exciting, straightforward, and features lingering shots of heaving breasts. This ain't your daddy's "Calculus". You'll wonder why you ever slept through a whole semester of math classes. And don't worry. the Calculus brothers will be back this October in "Calculus II: 18th Century European History". See, movies and learning CAN go hand in hand!
Calculus: The Movie - Directed by Rob Zombie, Rated R for Language, Graphic Violence, Extreme Nudity
Here at Deluxe Toast, we are famous for our toast. We know toast and we do it right. We take bread and we make it crispy, the way toast is supposed to be. Our customers often say, "Golly! You're the best at toast! You should try being the best at something else too!" That got us thinking. What is the next logical step when you are good at toast? It seemed to us the answer was obvious.
Introducing The Deluxe Car, from the makers of Deluxe Toast. We took everything we know about toast and put it into a state-of-the-art, sporty convertible. Yes, the Deluxe Car is sleek and stylish and just a little burned on the outside. But you can scrape off the burn with a butter knife. It's no big deal. Plus, it comes with four slots where you and your passengers can sit. Just get in the slot, push down the handle on the side of the Deluxe Car, and you will be lowered snugly into place and the heater will automatically come on. And what a heater! The Deluxe Car has a revolutionary heating system. Instead of the heat coming out of clunky vents, we literally surround you with heating coils. It gets hot! But don't worry. You can control the heat by moving the switch on the instrument panel from "light" to "dark" to "very dark", depending on your preference. It's all about options.
The Deluxe Car does not currently come with air conditioning.
Speaking of options, The Deluxe Car is available in two different body styles: "Crust" or "No Crust". We give you this choice because we know the subject of crust can be a touchy one. We also wanted to give you the choice of whether your car would be cut into rectangles or triangles, but our Research and Development team couldn't figure out how something like that would work. No problem. That's what the next model year is for.
Another great feature about The Deluxe Car is that is runs on electricity. Now, we don't mean that it's an electric car, we literally mean the car needs electricity to function. There is a cord coming out of the back that needs to be plugged in to an outlet at all times. Internal Combustion was certainly something we discussed, but in the end, we decided that we don't know enough about such things to add them to The Deluxe Car. We would never include something in a product of ours just because it was flashy or the "in-thing" that day. We only build what we know. We know toast. Besides, it saves you money on gas, and we understand how important that is to your pocketbook.
Critics may mock The Deluxe Car and point out that it doesn't have plush leather seating or six cylinders or a radio or windows or a steering wheel. They may try and tell you that The Deluxe Car appears to be nothing more than a giant toaster with wheels. But what else would you expect from a company that specializes in toast? When all you used to make is toast, you're going to bring a different perspective to the vehicle game. And we think our perspective is exactly what the driver of today is looking for. Besides, the tires on The Deluxe Car have got those rims that spin. Those are so cool we're going to add them to our toast as a standard feature.
The Deluxe Car - Our Car Is Toast, But We Mean That In A Positive Way
First, there was Coca-Cola. Then, there was Diet Coke. Not long after that, we introduced Cherry Coke, followed by Coke with Lemon and Coke with Lime and Vanilla Coke. Yes, we here at Coke love adding flavors to our signature drink because it allows you, the thirsty consumer, to choose a Coke that fits your own personal style. You're an original. You don't want no conformity Coke. You want to be different, because different is better. That's the philosophy our Flavor Scientists kept in mind when they created the newest, most unique Coke yet. Yeah, you're gonna love new Barbeque Coke.
Now, bear with us here. We know it sounds kind of funky, but it's really a taste sensation. It's the Coca-Cola you know and love with just a hint of mesquite. Taste-testers have said it makes them think of "carbonated barbeque sauce", which sounds kind of gross, so try and put that out of your mind. Instead, just remind yourself how good Coke is and how delicious good barbeque can be. Okay, now put 'em together! Mmmm-mmm!! Doesn't that sound refreshing? Wouldn't that hit the spot right about now? I have to be honest. I was against this from the start. Especially when I opened a can of Barbeque Coke and got a whiff of it. It smells WAY too much like K.C. Masterpiece. That's not exactly the kind of smell that makes you want to pour it into a glass of ice. Not that you could anyway. It's really thick for something that's being marketed as a beverage. It's got the consistency of watered down ketchup. But the CEO of the company thinks it's a winner, so here we are, right at the beginning of a $35 million advertising campaign. And I'm supposed to sit here and write an ad about how Barbeque Coke is "crisp and clean with a bold, smoky aftertaste" and make it sound appealing to the masses? How can I live with myself? How can I look my children in the eye? What kind of man have I become? The hell with it. I'm turning in my resignation papers. I've had enough of this. I'm going to go right to my supervisor and say... hey, here comes my supervisor now. Hey! Hey! Get your hands off me! I'm doing the right thing! The truth must be told!
IGNORE THE EARLIER PART OF THIS AD. IT WAS WRITTEN BY... UM... PEPSI. BUT PEPSI LIES. BARBEQUE COKE IS GOOD. YOU WILL DRINK IT. IT COMES IN TWO-LITER BOTTLES AND TWELVE-PACKS. IT IS NOT REVOLTING. YOU WILL BUY IT. IT WILL DEFINE YOU AS A PERSON. DRINK IT! DRINK IT!
Barbeque Coke - Somebody's Going To Get Fired For This
Sometimes stiff and sore muscles or even joint pain can interfere with your life, keeping you from the things you enjoy. That's why we make Ben-Gay. It's the number one product for fast, soothing relief from minor arthritis pain, strained muscles, and backaches. However, we realize that some people are reluctant to use Ben-Gay. Not because they are afraid it won't work, but because of the name. "Ben-Gay", they think. "Maybe if someone finds out I am using Ben-Gay, that person will think that I am gay, when in fact I love the ladies!" We hear your thoughts, heterosexual males, and we've got your back.
Introducing Ben-Straight, the pain relieving cream for men, but not for men who love men. Sure, your neck hurts, but you ain't no queer, and now you don't have any reason to hide your choice of medication from your buddies at work. Never again will you have to hear the stinging taunts of "So, what, does that mean you've BEEN GAY?!" followed by the cruel laughter. Oh, the cruel haunting laughter. Fortunately, Ben-Straight makes you immune to the scathing wit of your co-workers in addition to being fast-acting and long lasting. When your body is a little sore from a night of chasing tail (female tail!), feel free to apply a generous helping of Ben-Straight, and the deep, penetrating heat will give you the relief you need. And feel free to pass it around to the rest of the guys, if they need it. Just don't rub it on each other. That'd be fruity!
You're secure in your masculinity, but why risk giving people the wrong impression? Ben-Straight makes it clear right from the get-go that you want to nail chicks and you have no desire to hug and kiss men. And also, you have minor joint pain. So come on! What are you still doing with that tube of homo cream? Stop what you're doing and go STRAIGHT (ha!) to the store to buy a huge jug of Ultra Strength Ben-Straight. You can't miss it. It's the jug with all the pictures of boobies on it, and boy oh boy, you love boobies! Hells yeah! Now you can go back to the things you love doing. Playing basketball. Cutting down trees with a chainsaw. Listening to Elton John... Just kidding! You ain't attracted to dudes! Ha-ha-ha! It's funny to be completely 100% hetero in every way!
Ben-Straight - Coming soon from the makers of Ben-Straight, Ben-Not-A-Lesbian!
In today's high stress world, getting a good night's sleep is critical. It's good for the body and it's good for the mind. But traditional mattresses aren't good enough, as proven by science. The problem is, a mattress that is comfortable for Person A may be the worst possible mattress for Person B. And let's not even get into what Person C thinks is comfortable. If only there was a mattress that allowed you to adjust the comfort level to your personal comfort standards! Funny you should mention that, because the Mattress Scientists here at SnoozeCo have come up with a revolutionary new product that will change the way you slumber. We call it the SleepNail 5000! The SleepNail 5000 isn't your regular old mattress. It is the Mattress of the Future. Deep within it's plush satin-feel 100% rayon sleeping surface are nails. Huge stainless-steel 14-inch nails, pointy-side up, from head to toe. With the simple touch of a button, you can choose how much nail you want sticking out of the top of the mattress. Three inches? Six inches? A foot? It's up to you! Whatever meets your personal sleep needs! That's the great part about the SleepNail 5000. It puts the power of choice, right in your hands. Don't believe the hype? Then just listen to these true testimonials from actual satisfied SleepNail 5000 customers:
"I used to have one of those mattresses without nails in it, but then I accidentally bought a SleepNail bed. Now I'd never go back to a regular mattress. Mostly because I'm currently skewered by five inches of nails and I can't move." Elliot - New Jersey
"As a mother of three, I used to have a problem with the kids jumping on the bed. Not anymore. Thanks SleepNail 5000!" Gail - Vermont (former mother of five)
"Why can't I choose a setting where the nails completely go away? That doesn't seem to be an option. It seems like the only reason I ever fall asleep on a SleepNail bed is because of the massive blood loss. Also, do the nails have to be rusty?" Ted - South Dakota (widower)
You can't possibly need more convincing! But if you're still skeptical of the wonder of the SleepNail 5000, we'll add in this special bonus: If you order within the next 20 minutes, we will include an exclusive SleepNail pillow, free of charge! A SleepNail pillow is the perfect companion to a SleepNail mattress because it is full of nails. Also broken glass and old spark plugs. And on top of all that, when you purchase a SleepNail bed, we let you have a 30-day in-home trial. If you don't agree that the SleepNail 5000 provides the best night's sleep you ever had, we will take it back, and we won't charge you a dime! (Note: If the mattress is stained with blood, we cannot accept your return. Sorry. It's a legal thing) So what are you waiting for? Pick up the phone and order your SleepNail 5000 bed today, and finally discover how refreshing sleep can be when you've got 5000 nails digging into your flesh! The answer? Pretty darned refreshing! (gives thumbs-up)
SleepNail 5000 - We've Got This Sleep Thing Nailed!
In 1943, a young man named James Urinal came to America with a single suitcase and a single dream. That dream was to open up a shop where he could bake and sell the finest cakes in the land. His success has become the stuff of legend, and even today, sixty-two years later, James Urinal continues to hand-make every cake that comes out of his shop, and each one is more succulent than the last. It's true. After all these years, nothing beats a Urinal cake.
James Urinal is a man who lives by his personal motto, which hangs on a wooden sign in his shop for all to see:"I Only Make P.P." P.P. stands for Perfect Pastries. He had to shorten it to P.P. because when he made the sign, he ran out of space. But you'll never run out of space in your stomach when you get the chance to sink your teeth into an original Urinal cake! They're just too tasty! But if you want a cake, you'd better get to his shop early, because he always sells out by noon, and then you'll be pissed.
In his long and storied career, James has made Urinal cakes for presidents, royalty, celebrities, and even regular joes like you. Men or women, young or old, a Urinal cake does not discriminate. And oh, that distinctive smell! People know right away when you're serving them a Urinal cake. You can see the look on their faces. You know what that look is? Excitement! Everyone knows how good a Urinal cake is!
So if you want a tasty treat, what are you waiting for? Join the millions who are doing the P.P. Dance, a dance of appreciation for the mouth-watering goodness of Urinal cakes made by the one and only James Urinal. Dieting? Don't sweat it. Urinal cakes are surprisingly small! On the go? Urinal cakes are good whether sitting or standing! There's really no excuse. You can't go wrong. Look at it this way... if Urinal cakes were a poker hand, they'd be a Royal Flush! They're so good, you might just wet yourself! And as always, Mr. Urinal wants you to know he appreciates your business, and if it wasn't for his great customers, his business would go right down the drain.
James Urinal's Original Urinal Cakes - The Ones In The Golden Wrapper
Good day. My name is Barbara Hale, and I am a realtor in your area. I sell homes, and I am very good at it. When I was born, the doctor said, "Mrs. Hale, say hello to your daughter Barbara. I can tell that when she grows up, she is going to sell homes." Just between you and me, the doctor was right. I do sell homes. All kinds of homes. Big homes, little homes, some with lots of land, some with two or three bedrooms, and some with even more! Imagine that! More than three bedrooms! If you want to live in it, and it is a home, chances are I can sell it.
As a local realtor, I know your area like the back of my hand. I know where to find the home that is going to be perfect for you. Nobody ever complains about a home that they bought from Barbara Hale. Some people are so happy with the home I sold them that they jokingly say things like, "Boy, Barbara Hale, this home is so great, I wish you sold cars too. Ha-ha-ha!" But I don't sell cars. I only sell homes. Is that so hard to understand? And don't try and trick Barbara Hale by asking me if I sell Motor Homes. Those are not homes. They are cars. Homes are not allowed to be on the freeway. If you ask me to sell you a Motor Home, I will scream at you until my face turns red and your children start to cry. I do not have time for your games. I am busy selling homes!
I also do not sell tickets to sporting events, lawn furniture, or fresh fruit. I only sell homes. How many times to I have to tell you that? Are you stupid? Should I roll up this newspaper and smack you with it? I will do it, if you get in the way of my home selling. Every felony on my record is the product of some foolish human being who stood between me and selling homes. In a way, I am as proud of those felonies as I am of my Realtor Of The Year awards. But mostly, I just like to sell homes. If you contact me, I will do whatever it takes to get you into a home. If you decide during the process that you do not like the homes I am trying to sell you, I will destroy you, your family, and your family's family. You think I will not get away with it, but you underestimate the power of Barbara Hale. I know people in the Mafia. I sold them homes.
When you're in the market to buy a home, call me, Barbara Hale. If you try to call somebody else, I will find out. I know people at the phone company too. Remember that name: Barbara Hale. I'm the one that sells the homes!
Barbara Hale Realty - Wanted By The FBI Since 1973
Don't you hate going to the store to buy a bunch of nectarines, only to find the drunken produce manager has forgotten to put up the price, so now you don't have any idea how much these nectarines cost? Wouldn't it be great if there was a store where you always knew the price of everything, and in fact the price of everything was in the name of the store? Well, put those nectarines down, because a store like that exists, and you obviously aren't there right now, because we don't sell nectarines.
We think it's time for you to become a loyal customer of the $99 Only Stores, the only store where everything costs $99, so you never have to wonder about prices again. Imagine being able to make a cartful of purchases without having to stare at every price tag, wondering if the 12-pack of Diet Coke with Lemon is $2.59 or perhaps $2.75. At a $99 Only Store, the price is $99. The box of Fruity Pepples? $99 only. Juicy Fruit? I don't think I have to tell you that you'll be paying $99 for that delicious fruit flavor, twenty four hours a day, 99 days a week!
Consistency is important during these uncertain times, and the $99 Only Stores were created with that philosophy in mind. No matter what you buy at a $99 Only Store, the price will remain the same. We don't offer discounts or specials or double coupons. We offer peace of mind, and when we ran the numbers, peace of mind came out to about $99 an item. So stop dealing with the hassles of comparison shopping, and stop by a $99 Only Store, where the only thing you have to consider is how MANY nectarines to buy, not how much they cost. (Again, we don't actually sell nectarines here, but we only bring it up because you as a consumer seem all hung up on your fruit purchases)
$99 Only Stores - Founded By A Drunken Produce Manager Who Got Fired For Forgetting To Post The Prices
