CPPres (cee-pee-prez)
Senior Columnist/co-creator of C.P. Bulletin

A cast member of the original show this website is based upon, CPPres accepted the website columnist job in 1999 as a way to avoid change at all costs. For the past six years, he has been an instrumental part of the site, the Bulletin, and the ridiculously long stretch of time where there was no new material. CPPres and his writing partner, Happy Rabbit, came up with the concept for the C.P. Bulletin as a way to get people to come to the Commercial Parodies website. Not only did it not work, but it took up most of their spare time for much of the beginning of this decade.

Now that the website has been re-launched, CPPres has retained most of his job duties, including compiling Bulletin news items, selling ad space to many fine companies, writing serialized stories, and loudly complaining whenever any of his material is edited in any way, even if it is just to fix typos. CPPres has a three-year old daughter, Mackensie, and an ex-wife, MsPres. He also has a two-month old fish. Only the fish currently lives with him.

Bizarro Jerry (bi-zarre-o jair-ree)
Junior Columnist/Webmaster of C.P. On-Line

When C.P. On-Line returned from it's extended vacation, we hired two new employees. The first was a lowly mild-mannered intern who runs errands and gets our coffee and wears glasses. The other was Bizarro Jerry, who has huge rippling muscles and wears a colorful skin-tight suit. We have never once seen the intern and Bizarro Jerry in the same room, and some have speculated that they might actually be the same person. But this is highly unlikely because, even though they look almost identical to each other, Bizarro Jerry does not wear glasses and the intern, as we previously mentioned, does.

Bizarro Jerry maintains the website, designs the graphics, and comes up with many good ideas that the rest of us steal and claim as our own. Even though he is the new guy, he is doing a fine job of fitting in, and we are sure we will be taking advantage of him for years to come. Bizarro Jerry gets along well with the rest of staff, except for Founder Matt, who hates hates HATES him for some reason that nobody cares enough to find out. We thought maybe it was just because Bizarro Jerry is the new guy, but that can't be the case, because Founder Matt can't stop talking about how much he likes the intern. Bizarro Jerry seems to like the intern too, because every time one of us yells at the intern, a few minutes later, Bizarro Jerry shows up and slugs us in the face.

Happy Rabbit (hap-pee rab-it)
Senior Columnist/Current Bulletin Idol Champion

Normally, when you get hired on at C.P. On-Line, you have to sign an extensive, all-encompassing contract that basically reduces you to nothing more than property. Like, slavery is illegal, but these contracts are pretty darn close. But somehow, Happy Rabbit was able to negotiate the following line into his contract, buried in the back on Page 214:
"Part XXVII - Section XIV - Sub Section IX;

a) If the Commercial Parodies Website or C.P. Bulletin are not updated for two consectutive years, the signee may be released from this crippling contract to pursue his life in whatever way he sees fit"

Can you believe it? An ESCAPE CLAUSE! Why didn't we think of that?! He was totally allowed to leave the premises of his own free will. It was crazy! Anyways, we didn't take his departure well, and we've spent the last couple months calling him, begging him to come back and tell us stories of the Outside. To our surprise, he agreed to return on a part-time basis, and now whenever he shows up, we gather around him in awe and he tells us amazing tales of Freedom. O, glorious freedom!

So, yes, to our great pleasure, Happy Rabbit is back. His rabbit suit has been recently dry-cleaned and he can leave any time he wants to spend time with his family. We could not be more jealous.