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This Week on

Episode XL

(Special Guest Star)

Original Airdate -
November 8th, 2006

While preparing for his telethon, CPPres is approached by the producers of Keepin' It Real, who have just received the latest ratings, and are not happy. They explain that viewership has fallen off ever since the whole "CPPres writes a play" plotline has been going on. "People just don't care," the producers say. "And they want more Moog."

"It doesn't matter what the people want," CPPres points out. "This show is about me keeping it REAL, and my epic quest to put My Life In The Garbage on Broadway is what's real. And by the way, Moog sucks. I'm not going to compromise the reality of my reality show just for a few extra ratings points."

"Yes, you are," the producers reply, and they turn to the camera. "Ladies and gentleman, please give a warm Keepin' It Real welcome to special guest star Russell Crowe, whose new movie A Good Year opens in theaters this Friday!" And Russell Crowe walks in the door and sits in a chair next to CPPres. CPPres stares at Russell Crowe. Russell Crowe stares at CPPres. Finally, Russell Crowe breaks the ice. "Aren't you going to ask me any questions, mate? I'm here to promote my movie, not to sit here in bloody silence."

CPPres thinks for a moment, then says, "Um... would you like to be in my play? It's about a garbageman." Russell Crowe declines. CPPres glares at Russell Crowe. The interview goes downhill from there. In the end, Russell Crowe socks CPPres in the mouth and storms off to go do the Letterman show. With CPPres unconscious, Moog runs in the room and ends the episode by doing a funny dance while wearing a funny costume, and it is actually pretty funny.

"CPPres: Keepin' It Real" is a syndicated program. Check your local listings for the time and channel it will air on in your neighborhood

The writing staff of C.P. On-Line spent all of last week preparing to vote, so they were not able to write any new material. They REALLY take this voting thing seriously. "One vote may not make a difference, but we all vote eight or nine times each", is a popular saying here around the office. How is it possible to vote multiple times, you ask? It's not really that hard. Multiple identities, different states, electronic voting machine hacking. It's seriously the most fun we have all year. But anyway, while we're out defrauding the system, please enjoy this classic piece from August 24th, 2001. And if you notice that in the coming weeks, this classic piece is still on the website, it's probably safe to assume we got caught and will be doing future updates from federal prison for at least the next eight to ten years.

--Ebert And The Founders At The Movies--

A couple of days ago, the writing staff of the C.P. Bulletin was invited to join Roger Ebert at a taping of his TV show. It was quite an honor, and one that was obviously the result of either blackmail or excessive drug use on Ebert's part. Nevertheless, Founder's Matt and Pat hopped on a flight to Chicago and taped the episode. (CPPres was still in rehab, and Happy Rabbit has a waiver in his contract which allows him to avoid any public appearances with either of the Founders) Here is a transcript of this episode, one that will never air, because Founder Matt stole all of the film. As he puts it, "Gonna take this film, and put it on the radio for the whole world to see!"

Roger Ebert - Welcome back to the show. Our next film is Rush Hour 2, the sequel to the highly successful comedy. I found this film to be somewhat amusing, but it's really just another tired spin on the whole buddy cop genre. Founder Matt, what did you think?

Founder Matt - My favorite part was where Morgan Freeman fed Miss Daisy the pie. It's really so moving. So... so... moving... (tears up)

R.E. - I think you're talking about Driving Miss Daisy, and not Rush Hour 2. It's easy to see how you could get them mixed up.

F.M. - (glares at Ebert) Don't you TELL me what movie I'm talking about, Q-Bert! I saw Rush Hour 2 nine times when I was a kid, and I wept like a baby every single time. I oughtta slap you in the mouth!

R.E. - There's no need to get violent, Mr. Founder Matt. I think we're just having a misunderstanding here.

Founder Pat - You'll have to excuse my drunken friend, Mr. Ebert. He thinks every movie is Driving Miss Daisy. Except for the one with the little girl and the geese.

R.E. - Fly Away Home?

F.P. - Yeah, that's the one. Only he calls it Schindler's List.

R.E. - That's... odd. Um... so, Rush Hour 2 features more impressive action sequences from Jackie Chan, who is becoming a big name here in America. Founder Pat, any thoughts on the fight scenes?

F.P. - Did you know Burger King is starting to sell tacos? What is that? No, really. What IS that? It's like Taco Bell making seafood.

F.M. - You know what my favorite seafood is? Those scrumptious geese from Schindler's List! Mmmmm-mmm... gonna have to genocide me some of those...

R.E. - ...right. So, I guess I'll have to give Rush Hour 2 a marginal thumbs-up. Our next film is Tim Burton's revisiting of the classic film Planet Of The Apes. Many have praised this movie for it's special effects, but have slammed it due to it's ending.

F.P. - The other day, I was making homeless people dance for my own sick amusement, and I saw a poster for Planet Of The Apes. Looks to me like that movie's got some monkey's in it.

R.E. - Uh, yeah. It's called Planet Of The APES.

F.P. - Don't care much for monkeys.

R.E. - (longish pause) Is there something... wrong with monkeys?

F.P. - A monkey stole my favorite pen. It was a Bic.

R.E. - I don't see what that has to do with the...

F.P. - One day I'm gonna go back to that zoo. And when I get my hands on that monkey... (looks vengefully off into the distance) Oh, he's gonna DANCE. He's gonna dance 'till I tell him to stop...

F.M. - Q-Bert, I got an opinion about the ending to Planet Of The Apes. Now listen, I never, ever would've guessed that the guy was dead, but ghosts or not, that little boy needed to be slapped in the mouth!

R.E. - Wait... that's not from Driving Miss Daisy. I thought every movie was Driving Miss Daisy to you, but that's obviously from The Sixth Sense.

F.M. - I'm sorry, Q-Bert, but you've obviously never seen the Miss Daisy movie all the way through. Hoak's dead the whole time, and Miss Daisy is the only one that can see him. Hoak and Jimmy Stewart.

R.E. - Okay, this isn't going well at all. I'm just going to jump right to the final film of the night, Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back, the latest film from director Kevin Smith, who bought us Clerks and Dogma. Now this film is...

F.P. - Is it about monkeys?

F.M. - Is it about that dead guy Morgan Freeman plays in every movie?

R.E. - You know, you two are morons. I mean, both morons in different ways, but morons all the same. How can you come on this show and not have seen ANY of the movies we're reviewing?!

F.P. - I'm allergic to movies.

F.M. - See, when he's feeding her the pie... it just means so much. I mean they're so OLD, and they've been through so much... (tears up) And just the fact that Dan Aykroyd can take time out from Ghostbusting to be with his mama... (openly weeps)

R.E. - Why are your tears the same color as cheap whiskey?

F.M. - Well, I don't know about THAT, (takes out bottle-shaped paper bag) but I do know you're the hottest thing I've seen in a theater since those geese saved Christmas!

F.P. - (smacks Founder Matt on the arm) Why must you hit on every film critic we meet?

F.M. - Hey, I likes what I likes! And I likes Q-Bert.

R.E. - That's really disgusting, and only a tiny bit flattering. Look, I'm going to have to ask you both to leave. You people are a disgrace to movie-watchers everywhere. Two thumbs down. Way down!

F.P. - Well, them's the breaks. (stands up) I'm gonna go buy me a Scream mask and frighten the elderly... unless they DANCE!!! (exits studio)

F.M. - Look, I hope things don't get weird between us. Maybe we should just be friends. Here's a little gift to show you there's no hard feelings.

R.E. - A pen?

F.M. - Yeah. It's a Bic! Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go take in a showing of Jurassic Park 3. I hear the part where Miss Daisy feeds the pie to the raptor is so... so... moving... (sobs and exits studio)

As you might well expect, the Founders deemed the episode a success and now want to guest star on Ally McBeal, The Six O' Clock News, and reruns of Seinfeld. This would be a wise time to get rid of your televisions.

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